Parents are driving coaches, referees from youth sports

There has been some big coaching news here in Sonoma County this month, with the revelation that longtime Sonoma State University basketball coach Pat Fuscaldo did not retire by choice, and legendary high school football coach Paul Cronin leaving Windsor High School to take a job in Ohio.

And that made me think of the reason why, after 15 years of coaching soccer from the youth to varsity level (and a few seasons of track and cross country as well), I decided to step away 10 years ago and never look back.

Coaching is one of the most rewarding endeavors a person can engage in.

It is also one of the most stressful and draining activities in the world because of the way parents and fans act at games and practices.

And that is driving away the very people who make the games possible: the coaches and referees.

Some parents are terrific supporters, being positive role models for the team and volunteering countless hours to make sure the season is fulfilling for the athletes.

But some parents are so demanding and entitled that they turn the season into a slog, draining energy from the coaches and the players and sowing dissent among the team family.

According to a 2020 survey by the National Association of Sports Officials, 57% of referees believe sportsmanship is getting worse, which the survey respondents attributed primarily to parents. A 2017 survey found that 80% of officials quit after the first 2 years. This has led to a shortage of referees nationwide, particularly at the youth level. The National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) said last month that the shortage is a “national crisis.”

Coaches are leaving, too. The Texas High School Coaches Association said last year that 20% of coaches leave the job within their first five years.

Sports are not a way for parents to live vicariously through their children, or for young people to display their dominance — or at least they shouldn’t be. Sports are a part of the complete education of the person, improving the body while teaching how to work toward a goal, how to compete graciously and how to de-emphasize the individual to work as a team effectively. These lessons help shape kids and teens into adults who have critical skills to succeed in society.

It’s about trying to win. It isn’t about winning.

Some parents don’t understand this. Too many of them see their child as someone entitled to preferential treatment, and see sports as a ticket to a college scholarship or even a pro contract. And too many think the bottom line should be winning.

Dr. Richard Weissbourd, a psychologist and senior lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, discussed in the Harvard Gazette in 2019 the difficulty of curbing poor behavior by parents on the sidelines of youth sports events.

“This is a puzzle with many pieces and there a lot of different things that are going on. I think it’s because sometimes parents are wanting to compensate for their shortcomings or live out their own fantasies about sports. I think it’s the degree to which we are becoming less communal and more tribal and more individual. Some people are feeling more Darwinian, like this is a survival-of-the-fittest kind of contest, and there isn’t a sense of commitment to the larger whole.”

Coaches, like referees, are not paid a lot (the biggest high school stipend I ever got was $5,000 for the season). At the youth level, they are mostly volunteer. We are there to give players adult supervision to play a game.

And playing is what most kids want. Not winning at all cost. Not turning youth rec teams into college preparatory academies.

“Having a good time is more important to kids than winning,” Frank Smoll, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, said in an interview with the University of Washington magazine. “Winning is more important to adults than it is to children.”

Some parents will say this issue is overblown. That yelling at players and coaches and referees is just part of athletics. But the problem is serious enough that the NFHS has a presentation for coaches to learn to deal with parents, U.S. Youth Soccer has a webpage dedicated to helping parents learn proper behavior around teams, and the CIF state website addresses the issue in its FAQ section.

Coaching is a calling. It’s part mentor, part tactician and part leader. And on those late fall evenings or sunny spring afternoons, with just the sounds of players running and working and hopefully laughing some, it provides unforgettable moments that often feel like watching your own kids grow up.

As one parent told me after a high school practice started, while the players were warming up, “You must love this part. No one is yelling at you.”

This column appeared in The Santa Rosa Press Democrat on March 29, 2022.